Editor’s Note

This piece has been written by a former Army Commander,Lt Gen Yogi Sharma, in the first person singular. It is a poignant story of his discovering his life partner in a distant land. Fifty-five years ago, when  communications were not as good as they are now, the step which they took to reach out to each other must have been quite a brave thing to do. But what they achieved was the confluence of two great and ancient civilizations, the Indian and the Greek. The holy relationship that began in 1958, was formalized two years later. And by all standards, it was a very successful marriage.

In the cosmic design, Mrs Despina Sharma was snatched away from the family on 4th Oct 2013. This essay is a tribute to her sacred memory, recorded for posterity. Contained in the story is a message of universal bondage of all mankind. The readers are requested to record their message in the space provided beneath the post as “Comments” (‘Grinder’ is a word by which the Grenadiers refer to themselves)

SOUL-MATES IN GRINDER-LAND: A SLICE OF MY LIFE

By Yogi Sharma

 

Two young people, an Indian Army officer and a Greek girl, met in the ‘fall’ of 1958 in Gaza, Egypt. They did not ‘fall in love’ at first sight. That happened sensibly and slowly as a subtle process of nature; after all, real-life romances rarely run like cine-scripts.

Both had their roots in traditional families of very diverse backgrounds, spread across seas, continents and cultural spaces. Their ‘polarized roots’ provided a touch of ‘mystique’ to an extraordinary story- a ‘voyage of togetherness’ for 55 years, through high tides and low, tsunamis and smooth sailing. The robust family tree that spawned from these roots, and the rich fruit thereof, stand as a testimony to the blessedness of this meeting. This story is also connected with half a century of the Grenadiers’ heritage.

It was the call of duty, and destiny, that conspired to bring us together. We were both serving with the United Nations Emergency Force (UNEF) in Gaza at that time. UNEF was a multi-national Force comprising of contingents from Brazil, Canada, Denmark, India, Norway, Sweden, Yugoslavia and International civil staff. It was deployed in the Sinai Peninsula to keep peace between Egypt and Israel, consequent to the Arab Israeli war of 1956.The nationalization of the Suez Canal by Egypt in 1956 had led to the Anglo-French invasion of the Canal Zone and the Israeli blitz through the Sinai. The bombings and para-drops over Ismailia (HQ of the Suez Canal Company) had hit the Greek quarter, and pounded some residential buildings, including one occupied by the Monioudis family.

 

The family patriarch, Pericles M, had migrated here as a young sailor, in typical Hellenic sea-faring tradition, from the Aegean Island of XIOS- Homer’s home Island. It lies closest to the port town of Krini (now Cesme), across the straits from the Asia-Minor landmass. The Family had owned agricultural assets there, until driven out by the

Turkish (Ottoman) empire in the beginning of 20th century. Pericles drifted into the Suez Canal zone and found his ‘greener pasture’ in work with the Suez Canal Co. He also met his lady-love in the local Greek community and stayed on to raise a family of six. Their lifestyle was influenced so much by the mixed (French/Italian/Greek/Egyptian) cultures of the town.

 

Sadly, a premature heart attack in 1952 left his Widow with four unsettled children; two elder daughters having been married off into the Greek Diaspora in Cyprus and Australia. It was in these trying circumstances that the burden of supporting the family fell on the young shoulders of the next two siblings viz, Andony and Despina – both in their early 20s. It was fortuitous that they found attractive assignments with the UNEF in 1956 based on their multi-lingual skills, International education and local experience. Over the next two years, as the Israeli forces kept vacating the occupied areas in the Sinai, the UNEF HQ staff shifted from the Canal Zone into the Gaza strip.

Meanwhile in 1958, my Unit, that is, 2nd Bn The GRENADIERS, had been selected for service with the UNEF. On induction, our Rifle Coys were deployed to patrol the Armistice Demarcation Line, while the Bn HQ was located at Deir Al Balah – a hamlet some 20 kms away from Gaza. Various officers had to frequently visit the Establishments in Gaza for official and social purposes. Besides, some of us (including me) had a special interest in using the only Squash court which was located within the Mil Governor’s complex. Squash was an official competition sport of UNEF. And I did go on to win the ‘silver medal’ in 1959.

The Indian Provost and Postal Units were also located in the same vicinity, providing a natural staging post for our visits. By a coincidence (or a designer-quirk of destiny) the UN Staff member attached to these Indian Units was the Greek Girl from Ismailia, Despina! And that is where and how ‘we met’; the rest, as they say, is history.

The ‘fast and furious’ minds amongst you may have already conjured up the imagery of a ‘boy meets girl…hormones rage- romance flames’ scenario… Mercifully, not all stories follow such ‘basic-instinct’ recipes of lust and sensuality. Real life is far more sublime, and for good reason. The most elementary being, that in a multiple ‘boys meet girls’ scenario, matching options are unlimited, and mutual compatibility is the key. In this case, there was no scarcity of suitors for the bubbly young lady- nor was the cliché about ‘girls with glasses scoring low on passes’ valid in the face of her total ‘charm package’! Plus, the forbidding presence of the Big Brother was, indeed, a firewall against ‘loose cannon’ advances!

Initially, our social encounters were not only awkward, but predictably disastrous. By design-default, no two people could have been more mismatched! She was a gregarious, fun-loving ‘people’s person’- parties/picnics/dancing-  full of music, humor and bonhomie. And I was a certified introvert, a champion loner and an award winner in the ‘socially handicapped’ category- timid, tongue-tied and with two left feet! She was articulate (six languages), assertive, and a multi-tasker (office, local home, Ismailia family etc) while I was in the zone where Military subalterns were conditioned to be ‘seen and not heard’. She was loaded with confidence, class and a bigger pay cheque; while I barely managed to pay for the ‘scotch guzzling style’ of the Indian ‘officers and gentlemen’ of the time!

Despite various opportunities to socialise, our ‘cold-start’ remained in ‘deep- freeze’ for many a month. A thaw began to occur with the advent of the festive seasons- Diwali, Christmas and the Republic Day celebrations in the Unit. These provided space for mutual understanding of common values- personal and cultural. The wild revelry of the Holi celebration brought about a warm glow of emotional intimacy. In the process we discovered our common humanity, the universality of human relationships, as also an underlying Indo-Greek affinity. All these ran deeper than the differences of roots, region and religious dogma. Nature too has willed that ‘opposites attract’- to complement the ‘yin and yang’ (Shiv and Shakti) within human nature.

Meeting of Minds

In Apr-May 59, during my earned leave in Europe (courtesy the Royal Canadian Air Force weekly courier flights) I felt a new- found ‘emotional tug’ of separation. A picture post-card from Rome declaring ‘Mi Manchi Molto, Despina’ (miss you very much, D) was the first recognition of stronger stirrings. Yet there was no thought of a deeper commitment- so scary were the cultural gaps.

Many months later, while she was vacationing in Cyprus, where her eldest sister lived, I hopped across from the UN Leave-Centre in Beirut to take a car trip around that exotic Island. That provided us with a fresh opportunity to bridge the gaps. The interactions with the family in Nicosia- and earlier in Ismailia during visits to Cairo- extended the common-spaces. We discovered that beneath the visible ‘skin-skeletal features-societal’ distinctions there is a framework of common human values, by design of the Creator. One found that Greek families (like all others elsewhere) loved, laughed, felt and expressed compassion or baser emotions in the same way and over the same things – and that all parochial pigeon-holes were man-made and superficial. While all humans are flawed and fall short of the ‘Ideal’, the infirmities of flesh and soul are uniquely personal, not culture-centered.

 

It was inevitable that such a meeting of minds would evolve into a soul-connection, slowly but spontaneously. In due course our expanded mutual awareness did lead to better bonding and commitment. But, in the starry-eyed state of all young romantics, we had discounted (to a point of denial) the problems to be overcome- at family level, security clearances, career implications and that big blank- the future!

A Matter of Honor

Soon it was Dec 59 and the Indian Contingent was embarking for its return voyage at Port Said. I was the Ship Adjutant and more than neck-deep in work; yet, well-meaning colleagues, like my buddy, Satish Walia (later Col MM Walia) created opportunities for us to say our farewells. No one could have known that along with the farewell, there would be a promise of ‘Au Revoir-I shall be back’. Even I had no clue about how or when. Perhaps, even Despina did not believe it seriously, considering it a ‘pacifier to a crying baby’. In this day and age esoteric thoughts like ‘word of honour’ are hardly common currency- but for a hard-core Indian Grinder, a promise was sacrosanct. In essence, it was a blind leap of faith between two trusting souls. The battles that ensued were fought over many a front.

 

Multi-front Battles- The Family Domain

 

The Greek Orthodox mindset exploded first on declaration of the heretic thought of marriage to an Indian. Friendship may be fine but an alliance with a ‘pagan’ from an alien planet was unthinkable, akin to hara-kiri! Closer to the nerve, it was the prospect of losing the ‘pillar of family support’ that rankled. The younger brother in Athens was still job-hunting after his University education, almost wholly sponsored by her. The level and stratagems of family resistance kept stiffening- but so did the resolve of our ‘Gritty Girl’. She declared that sacrifices for the family could not be limitless and that ‘she had full faith in her man- he will be back’ and, when he did return, the ultimatum read- ‘bless us joyfully or I shall go alone’! Remarkably, it had got ratcheted to this level with little help from me! I still consider this as the ultimate in implicit trust and inspired guts- maybe, the gift of true love?

In contrast, my family’s response was more muted and manageable. I dropped the bomb shell during a thanksgiving visit with my Dad to a favourite temple in Delhi. He was cool- just checked back if it was a ‘done deal’ or a ‘case under consideration’. On confirmation that it was the former, his response was remarkably phlegmatic- “It is a matter of personal life-choice; you are grown up and hopefully capable of taking the right decisions”. This seems like such a terribly untypical exchange that a brief glimpse into the family background is in order.

Till the start of the 20th century, my forefathers were settled in Hazara district of NWFP, adjoining Afghanistan. Their earning potential from land and logistic support to the British Army’s Anglo-Afghan wars was getting saturated. That tempted some family elders to be lured by offers of better resettlement (including land) offered by the J&K STATE, in bordering areas of Muzaffarabad, and so, like the Monioudis family, my folks too migrated into greener pastures at about the same time.

It was here that an inventive ‘mechanical charka’, designed by my father as a school boy got exhibited before the visiting Maharaja. This was at the peak of Gandhiji’s ‘Swadeshi Movement.’ The Ruler was so pleased and impressed with this hugely gifted lad of his State, that he instantly sanctioned a scholarship for him to study Engineering in Benaras Hindu University, and, thereafter, be sent for practical training to the United Kingdom.

Consequently, my father got to spend many a year abroad, imbibing the liberal and enlightened values of the times. Little wonder then that his response was so enabling and easy!

Matter of Faith

Our upbringings had been in almost polarised faiths- Greek Orthodox and Sanatan Dharma- literally ‘Universal Faith’. This was expected to be our toughest challenge yet, but remarkably, or was it providentially, it wasn’t so! In our innocent naiveté, but from deepest inner levels, we had come to believe that faith in the Infinite and Common Creator was of the “essence”- and not the diversities of format, language or humanly-mediated injunctions. We believed that we could harmonize our faiths by practicing in our respective traditions and co-existing spiritually. Any surface cracks of dogma or doctrine could be bridged by making honorable adjustments, to appease procedural or cultural diehards. Our life is a testimony that this has worked – purists or pundits notwithstanding! As the Good Book says ‘Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love; and the greatest of these is love’- as love unites (unity being the nature of the Divine) while the exclusivities fracture and breed conflict which runs counter to the core Indian concept of ‘Vasudhaiva Kutumbkam” (Universe is one family)!

The Service and Career Front

In early 1960, I applied for security clearance to marry a foreign national and the case was sent to MI Dte, duly recommended by my CO. In Feb, the case got bounced on the grounds that the newly introduced policy required routing of the application through staff channels (five command levels) and a letter of resignation from the officer. This was the official recoil to a case in the preceding year where permission to marry a foreign national was denied to a Major, who persisted legally, resulting in his services being terminated! Scary scenario; but nothing should ‘deter the determined’ in love and war.

One saving grace in the new Policy was the stipulation that the decisions related to ‘permission to marry and acceptance’ (or otherwise) of the resignation would be taken within six months. This meant by mid Aug 60 in my case. So, come Aug, I chose to dare the system- as if to extract my pound of flesh- by flying out and doing what had to be done even before the formal sanction had come- total madness or what? Well, I had waited the mandatory 6 months and I had already put in my papers- so what could get worse? It was thus that we got married, to meet the bottom-line wish of her family, on 15 Aug . Later in Dec 60, the formal sanction was accorded, after completion of all the ‘security checks’ and thus we ‘regularized the record’ in conformity with the provisions of the enlightened Special Marriages Act,1955.

An interesting side-story is worth recounting here. I discovered later that I had so angered my CO by tactlessly

‘telling the truth’ during a conference, that he chose to endorse ‘not recommended’ on my second-time application and the Bde Cdr (he was offg) had concurred. Fortunately, the Higher Cdrs in the chain – Div, Corps and Command- took a more mature view that unless there was something objectionable from the ‘security angle’ why should the Service come in the officer’s way. Here, I owe so much to Brig Rai Singh, MVC (then Capt and Adjt of the Unit) for his fancy- footwork to help this happen and to my ‘guardian angels’ up somewhere. Does anyone still believe that all this happened by chance and NOT by some higher celestial design to enable two soul- mates to meet?

Meanwhile, the UN had got involved in operations in Congo and Staff was being milked from existing Forces to man the new HQ. Orders had been received from New York for Despina’s transfer on promotion- as if the battles raging for her on so many fronts were not enough! To match my madness, she preferred to resign and jump blind into a hopeless void with me. That the gamble paid off and we overcame every challenge over the next 50 years is history now. To have risen from a maverick Captain’s wife to be the First Lady of an Army Command (next in protocol after the Chief’s wife) and to be anointed the First Lady of The GRENADIERS is nothing short of a miracle- surely a dispensation of the ‘matrix’ that makes things happen in this universe; call IT what you may!

DESPINA arrived in India and embraced my family with such endearing warmth and sincerity that it left the skeptics stunned and silenced the cynics. I recall the moment that we both went to seek the blessings of the family Patriarch, my Dad’s oldest brother- a venerable father figure with a saintly persona. As we bowed down in front of him, he asked ‘Yeh Kaun?’

(Who is this?) about the girl in the western dress ‘Yogi ki Unani bahu’ (Yogi’s Greek bride) said my Dad. ‘ Unani?‘, he asked.

‘Phir thik hai- hamare jaise log hain’ (Greek? Then it’s ok. They are just like us) and patted our heads warmly. Such is the residual impact, on the collective psyche, of past interactions between two ancient civilizations.

In her turn, Despina’s impact is poignantly reflected in the words of my youngest sibling, Madan, now a former Chief Engineer of J&K state, who, as a 10 yr old had ‘sat in her lap’ as per Punjabi custom, during the ‘ceremonial reception’ accorded to her, when I first took her home. It reads:-

‘Today we lost our Dearest Bhabhi, Despina Sharma, wife of Gen Sharma. She came from Greece after marrying our brother in 1960 and became more Indian than us. She changed the quality of our lives and family relationships with so much love and affection towards one and all. Want to write more but tears won’t stop- what will my Brother do without her?’

What indeed? The rich blessings of our life together is another story. Maybe, for another day!

 

The family : Lt Gen YN Sharma, Mrs Despina Sharma, Athena and Col Arun Sharma

Epilogue

It was on 4 Oct 2013, that the ‘Grand Weaver of Divine Designs’ decided that our time together in this ‘journey of souls’ was over. It is not given to us humans to predict, prevent or interfere with Higher Design. A lesson I have learnt over time is that nothing happens by chance or coincidence or without a purpose.

In case the preceding account speaks anything to you, as it does to me, you may find some sense in my belief that that there will be an Au Revoir- a mad promise made to her again, like the last time. May sound like sentimental mush to the ‘skeptical and the sensible’- but, beware, many thought likewise the last time too. Keep your minds open, for there is so much more between heaven and earth that is beyond human awareness.

She had wanted me to write this account since many years, for posterity’s sake-especially in this era of fractured families. I started a few weeks ago and read out substantial parts while she was still conscious. She approved and thanked me. I know it is heavy with contextual details, without which the ‘flesh and blood’ feel would be lacking. Am sharing it, for what it is worth, with family, friends and mainly the Grinder Family, which has been our ‘dharma- kshetra and karma-bhoomi’ for much of our lives. It is not for me to speak of her contribution to the Regiment- others know it better. But I can vouch for her love and commitment to the GRENADIERS family- so deep, genuine and intense was it, that I could never match it. Let us celebrate that.

 AU REVOIR, DESPINA –TILL THEN, REST IN PEACE. OM SHANTI